i don't want to dress up for halloween anymore.

get drunk and try to achieve something i've never felt before that only exists for other people in movies. listen to the serotonin receptors firing rapidly. they explode like a million snare drums in our brains. this is god, this is love, we are happy.

religious rant

maybe it will be an issue or argument for anything to do with the church. i still feel the same way about organized religion. if you're going to use it for social networking that's fine but to actually try to convert other people to believe in the same thing is nothing more than a socially accepted cult. whether or not it makes you act like a good person the fact that you're promoting the bible which explicitly discusses slavery and not only a spiteful god but a supposedly divine god that changes his mind about a number of things throughout the bible. it's a book written by people with agendas and it's a way for people to not only make money but a living. And I'm not saying good things don't come out of religion, it helps a lot of people cope with a lot of things, but you can't ignore that bad things do too, like war, terrorism, and even in africa recently christian churches have been killing children claiming they're witches read story. it gives people the self-righteous attitude and confirmation from peers that they're on the side of good and therefore can do anything for this agenda however misguided they may be. granted modern educated christians are much more mild, but i also think because of this they are less influenced by scripture if at all, they tend to summarize the bible as telling you to be a good person, when it clearly says much more than that. it seems the more you live your life by the bible the more extreme you become and the more you can justify your own agenda or those of your peers.

for as far back as i can remember, all i ever wanted was to escape.

a regrettable past

it seems to be a universal human trait to want to move on. to want to shun one's own history and hide from personal mistakes of the past. it can be seen in the concept of original sin, that man is burdened from the beginning and the only hope is to deny his own evil nature. however it can also be seen within the regrettable social history pre-civil rights as well as the human tragedies of war and genocide. however there seems to be a more fundamental denial going on that precedes all of these shameful acts we are trying to separate ourselves from. the simple fact we are animals. throughout modern human culture, whenever people find themselves reminded of this, they shudder with disgust or turn away in denial. children are taught early on that these kinds of behaviors are unacceptable. i am curious what this kind of shame does to ones self-image and psychological state. i wonder why we are so unable to accept we have been part of something feral, part of nature.

i keep forgetting the important things i really want to get out of all of this. when i remember them they're already gone.

the more i learn about any belief system or philosophy, the less it makes sense to me.

serving

they sit there and get their shoes shined. not because their shoes need shining, not because anyone cares. but because they like to sit there and read while another person is servicing them, giving them unadulterated and unrequited attention.

is it true that if they knew everything about you, none of them would love you?

church on sundays

we go to church every sunday. almost every sunday. sometimes we are out of town. sometimes if we are out of town we go to a different church. either way they say the same kinds of things, as they are the same kind of church. we all need to try to be better people. none of us are very good at being good, or at humility. after all, you've been a jerk to too many people already. when you go to the same one all the time you get familiar with things, with the people and how they act and what they're about. the pastor gets very enthusiastic and desperate sounding, the first time i heard him it really got my attention. after about 3 visits of identically enthusiastic and desperate sermons i realized that's just how he does it, like an actor who only knows one role. they focus on what they want and skim over the things they feel less relevant, but of course you could read it all for yourself and see what it says with exact clarity. though, they always say the same kinds of things. we all need to try to be better, and we need to make him the most important thing in our lives. they always talk about it like it's a difficult sacrifice we're all making, without sacrificing too much. sometimes i wonder if they really believed all the things they do, would they keep living like they do. but maybe devoting a day out of the week to think about it is enough of a sacrifice. giving up anything else would turn into self deprivation.

these are just things that happen. it isn't anyone's fault.

it isn't easy being a bunny.